In the comments below share a piece of wisdom that may help some of our younger readers who are in the coming out or recently came out period of their lives.
***Reposted on 4/8/13 by request of one of my younger readers who said your comments and advice were life changing for him.***
67 comments:
have fun, enjoy yourself, but be safe, always
Always always always remember you are a good and worthy person, and be proud of owning your truth. Be honest with everyone and good people will respect you. The ones who don't won't matter.
Do it at your pace. Everyone is different. Don't let anyone tell you what, when, or how. Understand that as hard as it was/is for you, it will be that way for many of the people you are telling. It took you time to come to terms, give those having a hard time a little space.
You will lead a beautiful and amazing life without your family if they cannot accept who you are.
You will be surrounded by incredible friends who know and accept you for exactly who you are.
You will meet someone who will complete you, and in that moment you will realise just how small and ridiculous and sad and insignificant the haters are.
Chaz
My dad was truly a "man's man" rugged and refined. When I came out to my parents, it was my dad who said "your right to your happiness is as valid as mine, your mother's and your brothers'. If you are happy, I am happy." And then, he said "Just make sure you stay true to yourself, and enjoy life." I was 20, that was 32 years ago.
Be true to you, and enjoy your life!
You're going to want to dive in headfirst to every guy that you see and fall madly in love with anyone you see. Remember that you're basically going though everything that straight couples went through in junior high and high school.
It gets easier as time goes on, so just let things come as they do. You'll wind up happier that way.
Be true to yourself. I'm older and married and am living a lie. I hope you and your family can live and grow together. Be safe, always and remember God doesn't make mistakes only people do. Good luck!
First of all and most important is BE TRUE TO YOURSELF !! Be safe ,be open minded , and remember you have a right to choose :)
I agree with everything that has been said before. I would just say to that guy that you are equal to your partner, he has no right to judge you, to blame you, just giving his impressions and his feelings. He may approve/disapprove things but everything has to be spoken.
Another thing is that you don't belong to your partner, you both equally accepted to be involved in the same relationship.
Consider this the start of your true life. Sometimes it takes a while, but hopefully your family will quickly come to terms with you coming out. But if they don't, remember this -- YOU HAVE A LARGE, LOVING, AND ACCEPTING FAMILY IN THE GAY COMMUNITY! Have fun and always practice safe sex.
Come out when the time feels right. You'll know. It's a process we all go through. Take your time and use it as an opportunity to get to know your real self. Feel those emotions you've been suppressing all these years. You'll end up a happier person and in the end you'll learn that its a lot easier and less scarry then imagined. Have fun and be safe ;)
My advice is to put it in a letter. A long heartfelt letter ensures that your parents (or whomever you're coming out to) will hear EVERYTHING you need to say without interruption and it's something that can be re-read if need be and it gives them time to sleep on it.
Obviously, you need to follow it up with an actual face to face, but this is the way I came out to my parents and it worked very well for me and them.
Advice to a young person?
Yeah, right.
OK, here goes:
1) Make and keep good, true friends. Men and women. The kind you can call at three in the morning to come bail you out of jail...because they know you'd be there for them.
2) Don't believe the stuff anyone tells you about how being gay means you have to be a certain way. My best friend has sex on one weekend with more men than I've had in my life. I've been married for nearly 30 years to my husband and we are monogamous because that's just the way we are.
3) Don't write off your family if their first reaction isn't perfect. Everyone is entitled to a second chance.
4) Do it now, be it, don't just dream it - all my gay friends from the early 80s are dead. You may have 100 years before you. You may only have today.
Simply put, do not sleep around, respect yourself. Take your time to meet great guys. Do not jump at the first chance.
Kudos. You have MY complete RESPECT
be proud of who you are...and make lots of friends.
Don't take advice from the internet. Wait...
I came out at 20-years-old myself, and have been in those shoes. I'm 23 now.
Advice I would give is to never feel inferior or intimidated by the gays who've been out longer than yourself. Many of the gay men I know made the decision to come out in high school, and have already experienced naivety, heartbreak, passion, and ample amounts of sex. You are just coming out and have yet to experience all of that as an openly gay man. Do not let judgement from other gays affect you because you're at this early stage in your "gay" timeline. They were there once too.
Do not be fooled into thinking that you're dating pool will flood automatically because you have come out. While others are wildly successful at attracting men, it may simply not be that way for you. Be who you are, and share yourself comfortably with others and THEN you will attract men, not just for sex, but to have a meaningful relationship with.
On a closing note...always, always make an effort to work out. You do not have to have the body of a ripped, Greed God to attract someone, but you will have greater self esteem and be comfortable with your body in the sometimes brutal world of the gays.
1)strive EVERY morning to wake up being thankful for being YOU!
2) don't let the bastards and ugly people get you down
3) always love yourself...and forgive yourself when you screw up = you are human and you will. Then extend that same courtesy to others....will help reenforce #1 abovve!
Coming out of the closet is a big step, one I'm so glad I took in 1980 and haven't looked back. Now is a much more accepting society than it was then. Keep your head up and don't let others tear you down: those who do aren't friends. At the same time, be selective about those with whom you share this very big part of your life. Sometimes it is wise to have support nearby.
Be proud.
Just Read this on My Tumblr
It's helpful.
I AM SITTING HERE TYPING THIS BECAUSE AS A GAY TEEN WITH NON-ACCEPTING PARENTS, EVERY DAY IS A FIGHT.
Before you come out to them, there are those feelings of self hate and Hell and sin and disgust floating around inside you. They eat you alive and tell you to hate yourself. You feel as if this thing that has happened to you will be the death of you, that it’ll be worse than the death of you and nothing can change that.
Except for giving into the world, hoping to be straight, hoping to be this better version of a human being or humanity. Hoping that no one notices how you stare at the boy across the room or the desire you feel. Hoping that no one calls you “gay” or even thinks it. Hoping that by walking a different way or talking a different way that you’ll become different. Hoping that God or some higher power that things will change for you.
Then by some miraculous moment, you accept it. You know there is nothing wrong with. You search for support and find it in friends or family members. You’re finally in a place of goodness.
Then there comes the battle of your parents. The hate and ignorance they spew at you. The feelings of not being good enough and doubting yourself and feeling pain because all you want is love.
Love.
That is all you ever wanted in your entire life and to be denied it by the people that brought you here. It hurts.
Because real love, we don’t think it hurts. Real love, there may be problems sometimes, but it doesn’t hurt like this. It doesn’t tear open the soul and bring tears to one’s eyes. So you know it’s not really there.
And you start to feel bad for yourself. You cry. You feel like shit. You feel beneath the Earth and everyone else and it makes you feel so alone.
-
But for me, I’m tired of going through those course of emotions. I’m tired with wanting acceptance. I’m tired with being afraid of putting “Interested In: Men” on Facebook. I’m tired of not wanting to show how happy I am with myself because I’m scared of being judged by my own mother.
So right now I saw fuck it.
The people who hate us, hate me, without even knowing my spirit, who are they to cause such pain? Who are they to tell me that I don’t deserve to be happy and I give them the satisfaction of that?
The way that you fight it, you are who you are. Don’t be ashamed of it. Find out how to fight your own battles and smile. Be proud of who you are and don’t hide it.
I’m done with hiding it.
I’m done with letting other people make me feel pain over it because this is my life. Mines. No one else’s.
(Source: floe239)
My 2 cents
You don't need to come out to everyone, first try with your closes friends and family that you have an Idea they already know.
Break into it slowly and you'll see it's a huge weight off your shoulders and if they don't accept you. well give them time, they will come around. Some won't care but others will seem disappointed, but it's there way of dealing with it and soon they'll understand it's best for you. Nothing is more important to you than to be yourself and know one else.
I can go on and on, but I don't know how much space they allow on this blog. But, if you have any doubts ask and you shall receive.
2 Things:
1) Coming out is always a process and this looks different in the various areas of your life (family, professional, friends, etc)
2) Never come-out to someone in order to hurt them (ie to hurt the feelings of a socially conservative parent, etc)
I just want to say thank you all so much. I am 18 and just came out and it has been very challenging given my family is southern baptist and republican. I actually cried reading all these posts and hope I some day will be the man that all of you are. thank you. Jay R. -Nashville
Be grateful for this time in our society in the more liberal minded areas that labeling yourself gay is as common as saying you're a democrat. The definition of who you are is truly more than this one aspect; it may be the last part of your puzzling youth but by no means does it make you a man or woman. Your character, your morals, your weaknesses, your goals, your talents and faults are more important and meaningful than who you sleep with or fall in love with.
My ideal conversation would sound like this:
"Hi, I'm Kevin. I'm in college, have a job, great friends, I like to surf, play sports, am good to my family, I'm gay, love dogs and eating pizza." Response: "Wow, I love dogs, too!"
A pretty face no need for tattoo!
Siempre cree en ti mismo y la manera que hagas las cosas por conviccion propia y veraz que la vida es hermosa cuando se esta en paz contigo y con los demas.
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.
The important thing to remember is that it gets better because you get better, not because of changes in the world around you: you are stronger than you know.
Don't rush.
Life is just starting for you.
Make friends in the gay community who are older than you. Having a group of peer friends is awesome, but when I came out at 22, I also ended up being friends with an older couple who sort of became my gay "parents". They were always nice to my (many) boyfriends. They taught me to have lots of fun, but keep things in perspective. They helped me pick colors for the new apartment. When I wrecked a car, they had one I could borrow for a couple of days. When I was heartbroken (often), I could cry on their shoulder. When I needed a lawyer (that's another story) they knew a good one. If I needed flatware or a piece of furniture, they always seemed to be getting rid of something that I might be able to use. One taught me how to cook, the other taught me how to make reservations. They weren't wealthy, but they loved me unconditionally and kept an eye out for me. They taught me how to be a good gay man. I'm still friends with them today, 30 years later.
Don't be an A**h*le when out on the scene. Treat others with the same respect you expect to be treated by them, regardless of their looks and age.
You may have perfect skin and a hot body now, but it all fades sooner than you think!
Don't rush to sleep around or couple off. Develop your gifts and talents and find good friends as you do that. Design a life that says, "Here I am!" Do you every day,and have faith that Our Creator gave you many perfect gifts and faculties to make your way successfully in this life. Develop yourself till all the things you have to offer become obvious and irresistible. Good luck. Take the time to do you as a blessing.
My husband and I will celebrate our 17th anniversary on August 6th.
This is what I have learned about relationships –
Don’t rush things.
Don’t move in with each other until you have been together more than a year.
Get tested before you do anything.
Let him be wrong – think about it. Very powerful.
Be open with each other.
Respect his personality. If he is quiet, it is OK. If he is loud and outgoing, it is OK. If he is (fill in the blank), it is OK. Which leads me to:
Get to know each other. Become friends. Like each other. Love each other. Tolerate each other. Get mad together. Cry together.
Life is the ride. Get on and HOLD on…
it is very east this day and age to,, to date via computer or phone,, just pic your favor of the day and be on your way,,, there is soo much more to dating than a trick,, dont fall into that Huge trap,,, date one on one in real time,, and dont let drugs or people cloud your life as this can happen very offten,,, be well
It's not about coming "out"--it's more about coming in: into your own life and your own truth. If you stumble, get back up. If you question, find the answers. If you believe, you will live. Believe in yourself.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Buddha
That being said, You are a unique human being, but like the rest of us, we all share an infinite amount of time in this form. Follow your heart, your dreams and cherish your friends.
No one else could ever do or be you.
and sharing your individuality towards humankind, is your gift and legacy.
Michael*
you are who you are. there are millions of people out there just like you, so if the people around you dont respect you for who you are, dont worry about them just be yourself and find people who will respect you. give people time to ajust, it can be a surprise to some parents who dont suspect it (all though from my experience they dont want to suspect it)
love yourself for who you are and people will love you back. dont be affraid to stand your ground its your life, live it your way, but do it safely, listen to your gut feelings and take it slow.
Try not to confuse sex and love. They are separate entities and if you mix them up like I did- you may make decisions that you'll regret.
Try and remember when you're down and happen to be alone- to love yourself and take care of yourself for it's your greatest tool.
Steer clear of drugs and booze for awhile- if you're curious then wait until things are stable. Be safe. Wear condoms.
Get out there and socialize- lots to learn so better get started.
Walk away from drama queens and toxic gays...sadly they're LOTS of em out there.
Network online and make some online friends if you're in an isolated or rural place.
Makes a huge difference and hey ya never know- just might find a soulmate. ;o)
Congratulations!! Discover life as it comes and remember to enjoy every moment
Fuck like there's no tomorrow.
here's the thing...dont make it bigger than you have too. i came out of the closet before i was freshman in highschool. i knew something was going on but i didnt know what. so i did a little own investigating of my own and after a week i knew i was gay. instead of hiding it i embraced. and came out to my parents to summer before highschool. my parents knew all along but they were accepting of and quote " we were waiting for you" right there i knew i had there full support. being who you are doesnt me you need to fulfil the stereo type of gay! i am 23 and i married and didnt find my husband by screwing everyguy i saw until lets say the dick fits...as my friend would say the gay version of cinderella. i am just saying come out when you are not ashamed (not saying you are) or ready to go in the direction you want your life to go in.
Don't let anyone bring you down. You're special.
Be true to yourself. Don't let people talk you into things YOU do not want to do. Don't fall into the 'gay scene'-do what you feel is right.
I came out three years ago and it has been a truly bittersweet ordeal for me. Some days are better than others but everyday is better because i am myself. It is not an easy process and it is not something that resolves itself in 24 hrs, take it one step at a time, one day at a time and be yourself. Remember that those who hate are not worth being around and those who accept you and support you are worth their weight in gold. Be safe and stay focused on your dreams and goals - take care of yourself.
make sure you have some very close friends that you trust and cherish. I'm about to turn 65 and looking back on my own experience what I can say is: don't be promiscuous just because you can be. always play SAFE. avoid excessive drug and alcohol use. don't pursue men you can't have a real relationship with i.e. closet cases and so-called "bi" guys. trust me, it doesn't work. above all else love and respect yourself and nurture your soul. respect older gays and those less fortunate ones. if you need psychiatric help, get it. it's your life, be responsible for it.
Stay true to yourself. Never compromise who you are, for anyone.
You're so brave. Proud of you.
and..what advice would you give a 27 year old gay guy who haven't come out of the closet and even haven't had any intimacy with another one?
Well you're attractive so you'll be able to have fun and all will be well. Unfortunately the gay community is incredibly vein so you have a leg up, bravo!
Have a fall-back plan in place before you speak to your family. 1) if they grow you out, where will you sleep that night 2) if they own your car, how will you get around ifvthe keys are confiscated? 3) if they control your finances, what will you do if they close the bank? 4) do you need them for college tuition or loans? What will you do if they stop paying tuition, cosigner loans or even complete the FASB forms? 5) the list goes on and on but bottom line, think of everything they provide and make a plan to replace it it ----- wait a bit before you come out.
Everyone here has wonderful warm advise. Mine? Chart your own course, learn to think, have fun, be safe, use tons of sun screen every day, & exercise every day. The first 30 years are on the house after that you have to work at it. As RUSH, the band, says "we are only immortal for a limited time."
remember two say these 4 phrases as often as possible: I love you, I am sorry, I forgive you, Please forgive me, and mean it.
Love yourself first. That makes it possible for you to like or even love some one else for right now or forever.Trust your own feelings and insights. Sample life with gusto and keep what you like Finally always remember that you are more than your dick or your ass you are a fully aware being that it has taken billions of years to evolve. And there is only so much sand in your Clock. The next model is right behind you. Hugs and best wishes from Pete in the Green Heart.
Putting aside ANYTHING you may hear about the gay community, there is one piece of advice you should take into account more than others:
It's a lot more likely than not that your parents will be accepting of your sexuality as they will only want what makes you happy, regardless of what they think of people outside of your family. And if they're not, treat them as they treat you til they either get the message or until they die.
Don't fall in love with someone who uses hard drugs. You can't fix anyone if they have no interest in fixing themselves.
Congratulations!
We live in a world of possibilities. Opportunities await.
You're going to feel like the proverbial Kid in a Candy Store. But take a moment. Learn how to protect yourself from STDs like HIV and AIDS. The most important thing for you to remember is that you have value.
There are people who will tell you what you want to hear, just to get what they want from you. Be sure it's what YOU want.
There's nothing wrong with enjoying life. Just do it on YOUR terms.
Since my advice generally sucks, I have given up giving it. You will have to make your own decisions and may they be better than mine.
Own it, rock it, show no fear. Say it like it always has been, cuz technically what about you really changes after you say "I'm gay". it's not like flipping a switch. You will still be the same person. I was 20 when i first came out and when i was coming out to my friends i was very nonchalant about it. My friend asked "where have you been? Haven't seen you in a while" and i immediately replied "oh yea, I'm seeing a guy. He's pretty cool.... He's good to me, and we spend a lot of time together". just talk about it like any other fact of life, not done extreme revelation. I feel like once you make it a big deal and when you yourself make it seem different is when others will definitely follow that precedent of treating you differently. Be confident in yourself. You can also threaten... If i was at a party, during the first few months after i came out, I'd eventually yell out "i suck Dick for fun and i can still fuck your girl better and beat your ass.
Coming out is for YOU. No other person completes YOU. YOU complete yourself. Guys are NOT going anywhere. Figure out you, your passions, your interests, who YOU are. If you truly know yourself, trust yourself and envision yourself as the main goal of YOUR life you can wade through life confident, assured, ready to zig and zag and not make MANY of the errors gay men rush into.
We spend so much time closeted that we become masters of hiding, lying, desiring and pretending. Those are the first things you have to realize you no longer have to do. Adjust that within yourself. You OWE nobody anything but truth and respect. Sometimes it is hard to give either, but always give both. You can't expect to receive them if you don't give them. Don't jump right into sex or relationships. It is the biggest mistake we all make. We spend so much time in Jr High and High school watching everyone else do it that once we come out we do everyone in sight. Its a gay trap and down the road you will regret it. Don't do it. Love yourself before you give yourself.
No matter what you do, stay in school, find friends that are of GLBT lifestyle or friendly, start a club of GLBT Pride, get familiar with GLBT local sites, don't be bullied, stay strong, find a good best friend! Don't give up!
You are a handsome beautiful man,a lot of people have fought to get to this point.you have freedom of sorts.
Date lots of people ,everything is good providing it is comfortable for all involved.
Do three strikes and you are out,! mistake a worry ,2 mistakes concerning,3 you may want to still go with it but you can not bore your friends with his lateness /temper,it's a co dependent choice,not wrong just a choice.
Be kind, everyone is scared and only EVER HAVE SEX WITH A CONDOM ,it is not so scary now,,I am 50 and lost the love of my life 20 years ago ,before there were options.
People think you just take the pills,it is much more.
good luck ,leap off the cliff and your adventure starts
Once you've accepted yourself for who you are, the rest of your life belongs to nobody but you. Don't try to fit any mold of who others think you should be. Be yourself and do what is right for you. Life isn't always 100 percent perfect... but if you are happy with yourself, you will surround yourself with people you need. Give yourself permission to be human and make human mistakes. Forgive yourself and move forward.
Just be true to yourself. Everything else will fall into place. There are so many out there that will love and support you. Sometimes that takes time. Just be patient.
Absolutely do not get into the social apps like Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, etc. Those apps will not lead to anything but to hollow relationships and feelings of low self worth. No one you will meet on those apps is completely honest, and you will never really know someone through that medium.
There's absolutely nothing wrong or bad or weird or sick about your sexuality. Your sexuality is an incredible part of your body, mind and spirit. If you live with integrity and ethics, and love and respect for yourself, you'll have a much, much easier life. You'll be able to stand up for yourself when you have to and laugh at people who try to tell you they think there's something wrong with you (in their eyes). Well, laugh at or pity.
There are a lot of wise words above, listen to them and believe them because you have at least 64 people above who have gone through what you are going through.
A few things of note:
1. As you begin to accept yourself and start living openly, you will go through what most straight teenagers go through as they first start dating the opposite sex in junior high. Its an important part of learning about your mate(s) and yourself. Allow yourself some stupid mistakes with your heart, and recognize that no one has dating perfect; you will find out more about yourself over time, and what you are truly looking for.
2. Always be safe, even when the situation is hurried and even if the environment is not traditionally ideal for safety. Glory holes still exist because people still use them - I am not a lecturer, so not going to tell you to avoid all temptation for casual sexual situations, but I am going to warn you that no one else is looking out for your health but you, and that anonymous stranger on the other side of the wall may not give a damn what happens to you after you part ways. Make smart decisions for yourself.
3. Everyone who says that the people who won't accept you arent worthy of you are RIGHT. Its drama you dont need in your life. How dare they "choose" that their way of life is right and that to be their friend/family, you must conform to their antiquated thinking. You want people in your life that will champion your successes in all aspects, including the heart. You will find those people because there are a helluva lot more of them, then there are haters nowadays. And even if you find a handful in your life, you will have that handful of real, true friendships.
4. It is true: friends are the family you choose. If you have family that will not accept you, then that is their deficiency, not yours. Find yourself a family of friends that you can be yourself with, and you will recognize that blood only goes so far. If that blood tie meant anything to them, they will be the ones to adapt, not you.
Know yourself.
Understand yourself.
Know your own limitations, or, how far you are willing to push your limits.
Don't let anyone push you beyond where you are comfortable going, in any situation.
Gay life will be hard!
It will get harder every day...be prepared!
People are mostly about money and superficial values...especially gay guys can use and abuse you.
The only thing that matters is you.
Make sure you are healthy.
Have only sex with people that you love!
Let them separate sex and love...
But only love matters!
Don't trust people easily.
Make sure you and only you feel good about whatever happens in your life first!
You will have to be very strong since your family, friends and people you love are not responsible for your life!
You matter.
You make the difference.
Be your own best friend.
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